It’s Not Here


“Running away from your problems is a race you will never win, so just face them head on, and overcome them.” ~ Unknown

That’s what I said to her. 

I was a bouncer at a small electronic club in Guanajuato, Mexico. I had been working there for a while and became close with quite a few of the locals.

I first noticed her when she first noticed me. We were both in the same VW bus coming back from an intramural futbol game that some friends had just finished playing in. She was staring me down pretty hard. I was playing it off a little, pretending like I hadn’t noticed. This doesn’t happen to me too often, but I’m experienced enough to know how to handle the situation when it does. We were heading to the rasta bar, where every one of the members of the soccer team worked, to celebrate their loss. Yeah, I said loss. This was Mexico. We celebrated everything, even a loss. 

I knew that once we got to the bar, I would get to talk to her, buy her a Sol (a light beer), and probably take her home. It almost worked out that way. We did talk, in English. She was from Oregon or some fucking place like that. (Just once I would like for someone who didn’t speak English to take an interest in me.) I offered to buy her a Sol but ended up buying her an Indio( a dark beer) instead. And, no, I didn’t take her home. 

I decided not to make a move on her because I saw something in her that didn’t suit me. I saw it that night and every time after that when she came and flirted with me as I worked the door at my job. She was, without a doubt, attractive. She had a sexy body, luscious Angelina Jolie lips, and pretty hazel eyes but it was what was behind those eyes that told me to leave this girl alone. 

Every time she would smile at me and bat her eyelashes I knew she was trying to tell me to take her home, but all I could hear was, “I’m lost” or “Help me.” I didn’t know what to do. I would usually engage her in conversation ignoring her advances, but that would only last so long. When she did not get the attention she was looking for from me, she would find somebody else who would give it to her. I watched this happen several times. 

Then, one night, she came to hang out with me at the door. As she was giving me those “fuck me” eyes and suggestive grin I just said it out of the blue, “It’s not here?” “What’s not here?” “What you’re looking for.” She stopped smiling. I smiled at her, put out my hands, palms up, and spread them apart while looking around. “It’s not here.” She knew exactly what I meant and left my side.

She never hung out with me at the door anymore after that. I continued to see her come to my club for a while and I always let her in with a smile and a kiss on the cheek. Then one day she was gone, back to the states. 

I don’t tell this story to brag how I may or may not have been an influence to some strange girl’s life.  I would love for this story to end by saying we are still in touch and since her return to the states she has found herself and is a happier person because of that night. The truth is, I have no idea how those words affected her. But I do know this, and this is why I am really telling this story. As soon as I gave her that deep and profound advice in the doorway of that Mexican night club, I knew that it was actually meant for me.

Seriously, as the words were coming out of my mouth, I was like, Damn it! I ignored it for a while, but it was always there is the back of my mind. “It’s not here dumbass. Take your own advice.” 

So if it’s not in Guanajuato, Mexico, or Bangkok, Thailand, or Goa, India then where the fuck is it?

Take your index finger and point it to your temple. There, it’s right there, and no matter where in the world you go you can’t outrun it so might as well deal with it right where you are. 

These events happened in 2010. I originally wrote the above somewhere in 2014. So for at least the past six years, there has been this recurring life lesson. One that I tried to teach others over and over again but have failed to learn myself. “Happiness comes from within.” 

If you’re not happy before you “get out of this town,” leave that dirtbag of a spouse, quit the soul-sucking job, get married, or have a baby, I have some news for you. You won’t be happy then either. I am saying “you,” but I’m talking to myself. Of course, if this applies to you… 

I have more on this happiness topic coming soon. A lot more. 

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